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Badly worded signs

For many years lists of humorous signs have circulated around offices and on the internet.

Some of these appear below.

Whereas the origins of the signs tend to be uncredited, and their veracity unproven, what is not in doubt is that the producers of the signs would have benefited greatly from the skills of a proofreader or copy-editor!

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor.

Message on a leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door:
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn't work.)

Outside a jeweller's shop:
Ears pierced while you wait.

Outside an electrical store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!

Sign in a laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Sign in a London department store:
Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a farm:
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself.

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
Same day dry cleaning – all garments ready in 48 hours.

At the zoo:
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.

In an office:
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a furniture shop:
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.

Outside a second-hand shop:
We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

In a grocery shop:
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it.

In a Chinese restaurant:
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter.

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Sign on a farm gate:
Dogs found worrying will be shot.

In a restaurant:
Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a smart shop:
No children aloud.

Outside a disco:
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

In an electrical shop:
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you.

Sign at a garden fete:
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate.

In a cafe window:
Waitresses required for breakfast.

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting – we're the only store in New York with three Santas.

Seen at an American undertaker's:
Oscar's Funeral Parlour – where you'll always find a smile.

Notice in a London park:
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park.

Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Sign in a chemist's shop:
We dispense with accuracy.

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged.

Sign outside pet shop:
No dogs allowed.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
Hot and cold running in all rooms.

Notice in Keighley restaurant:
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables.

Notice on Norfolk village shop:
Half-day closing all day Wednesday.

Sign in London pizza parlour:
Open 24 hours – except 2 a.m. – 8 a.m.

Seen outside dancing academy:
Please mind the steps.

Circus poster:
Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the World. In town all weak.

Sign in a tea shop:
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, £1.00

Notice at the zoo:
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure.

Sign in office block:
Lift out of order. Please use elevator.

Traffic sign:
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour.

Notice in church hall:
Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed by a light lunch.

Sign spotted in farmyard:
Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers.

Sign in Swiss hotel:
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!

Sign in Australian hotel:
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter.

Sign in French hotel:
In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid.

Sign outside a French cafe:
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming.

Sign in Egyptian hotel:
If you require room service, please open door and shout, 'room service!'