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Cleverly worded signs

For many years lists of humorous signs have circulated around offices and on the internet.

Some of these appear below.

Whereas the origins of the signs tend to be uncredited, and their veracity unproven, what is not in doubt is that the producers of the signs were talented wordsmiths!

In a dress shop window:
Don't stand outside and faint – come in and have a fit.

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen outside a travel agency:
Why don't you go away?

Notice in a pet shop:
Birds going cheep!

Found in a butcher's shop:
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it.

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
You can always count on us.

Notice in restaurant:
Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals.

Seen in a Coventry factory:
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match.

Sign on a newly painted bench:
Wet paint. Watch it or wear it.

Seen in a watch shop:
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands.

Sign on motorway garage:
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Spotted in a golf club:
Golfers please do not drink and drive.

Notice in hairdresser's window:
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits.

Notice in a field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Sign at the tennis club:
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet.

Spotted at the railway station:
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines – it takes ages for us to uncross them again.

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.